So the next thing I know I was on my way to Atlanta, Georgia to a treatment facility named TRC (Talbott Recovery Campus). I truely had no idea what to expect and was still abusing morphine on the way down to try to cut back on the sickness of not having opiates. I arrived in Atlanta about 12:30 a.m. and was immediately greeting with kindness. This did not go over very well with me as I was miserable spiritually, mentally, and physically. I reluctantly listened and filled out forms until late into the night. Then it came time to say goodbye. I had to leave my wife, mom, and dad knowing that I would not see them again for 3 months at least. This was a very hard thing to do but deep inside I knew I had to do it because I was left with very few options in life.

After they left I was walked to the detox hospital where I was greeted with the pleasant sound of double doors slamming and locking behind me. They stripped me down and took all my items. At this point I was scared to death. I was sick. Alone. And wondered how did it come to this. I remained in detox for about 2 weeks and was sick as a dog. I have never been real big on rules and I had to learn how to follow rules and do things their way, not mine. This was the beginning of my surrender. At first I dreaded every moment there but as time went on and I heard more and more stories I began to relate and for once in my life I did'nt feel alone. Somehow other peoples misery made me feel better.

As time passed and I began to get over the physical withdrawls I began to share some of my story. At first I did not realize that this would help others the way it did me but I shared my stories for selfish reasons and the flood gates opened. For the first time since I was a little boy I began to cry. I started to fell anger, happiness, guilt, shame, frustration, and loneliness. I was beginning to get in touch with my feelings. Something I did'nt know existed for years. Normal feelings that people encouter on a daily basis were all new to me. I could feel the wind, notice the stars, feel the heat from the sun, and smell the flowers. I was alive.

Slowly over time I began to forgive myself for all the bad things I had done. I became aware of my resentments and started to own them and try to let go. I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. My guilt and shame began to fade away and the feeling of love and happiness began to take over. For once in my life I had a life to look foreward to and finally felt happy in my own skin. This is ironic because I had tried for so many years to fit in my own skin by drinking and using.

My treatment experience was second to none. I learned more about myself and life in 3 months than I did on my own in my whole life. Everday got better and the obsession to drink and drug began to lift. It then came time to leave treament and go home where it is not such a safe environment and I had to start all over. I needed to go to new meetings, get a sponsor, homegroup, and support system. I think one of the most important things I did when I got out was immerse myself in meetings. It was all new. The faces, the rooms, the meeting formats. Totally different. Some things were better some things were worse but I kept coming back. No matter how hard it was I forced myself to be involved and worked my hardest to become part of AA like my life depended on it because it did. Slowly but surely people began to recognize my face. They even told me that I helped them by sharing. I had never helped anyone but myself. I was working the 12th step and did'nt even know it. I began to make friends who really care about me. They would call me if I did'nt show up. They would ask me "what's wrong?". I began to be accountable. I had people in my life who love me for who I am, no matter what.

My life with my wife and kids slowly began to get better. I have gratitude for them and they have gratitude for the new father and husband they have. Addiction reminds me of a tornado. Even though the tornado passed through my town months ago the wreckage is still left behind. And one day at a time I try to put the pieces of wreckage back in place. I truely believe that one day I will have not only rebuilt my town but rebuilt it in such a way that I would have never been able to achieve had I not learned from my past experiences.

Today I still struggle on a daily basis. Some days are good. Some days are bad. But I don't have to drink and drug over them today. There is nothing going on in my life today that a drink or a drug won't make worse. I seem to go 2 stpes foreward and 1 step back often but when I do take a step back I notice it today. I try to look at my part in things and if I find myself wrong or hurting somebody I try to make amends. I find joy in helping others and try to look at the good in life rather than the bad. I pretty much do what my sponsor and loved ones tell me bacause up to this point my way has gotten me nowhere. I read my 24 hours a day, daily reflections, and as bill sees it every morning. I follow this with a short prayer for the day and asking God as I understand him to help me stay sober. I go to meetings often, I do service work, and I talk to someone in AA on a daily basis. At night I do a 10th step and reflect over my day and I give a quick thanks to God for allowing me to make it through another day sober.

I am by no means perfect and still struggle in alot of areas of my life. The difference is today I have a life and I have the tools to deal with the blows life gives me. I am forever grateful for my wife, friends, and family that have unconditionally loved me and helped me get to where I am today. By the grace of God and the fellowship of AA I have stayed sober another day. If I continue to take life 1 day at a time and try to work the steps and practice the AA principles in all my affairs I stand a good chance at staying sober tomorrow. I remind myself every day that I am an alcoholic and addict and hope I never forget that. As long as I know who I am and I am confortable with that I can survive this disease One Day At A Time.

God Bless,
J.J.